random thoughts.

finals is coming in a month time, and i have so many more lectures to clear.
no idea why im here blogging, but i just randomly have so many thoughts in my head.

i happen to be seeing my laptop's webcam photos.
(ok ya i was zi lianing randomly cos i was wayyyy too bored from studying)
but coincidentally,
i realised the last time i did, was exactly 1 year ago with just a few days apart.

exactly 1 year ago of that date,
i too was mugging hard.
i too was studying till i was SOO bored that i webcammed to entertain myself.
i was doing the same stuffs 1 year ago, mugging my life away to tertiary life.

but yet, behind those smiles in the pictures,
my emotions were so well hiddden.
in both photos, i remember clearly there were sadness within me during the same period of time,
but its totally 2 different emotions.
1 year ago, i was feeling lonely, cos i barely found friends i could really relate to,
i mostly had my meals on my own while i mug through my modules.
but amidst all those loneliness,
i had zan.
i remmeber how he would randomly pop by my hall, presenting me with snacks that i was craving,
just to show me his support towards my studies, as he knew how demoralised or lonely i can get.

now 1 year later,
the tables have turned completely.
yeah, i have friends,
friends that i constantly crap with. friends to dine with. friends to study with. friends to laugh with, friends to be annoyed with.
but yet, at the same time, i lost that important pillar of support that pulled me through my past year.

i probably am the only one, to be able to see the sadness within those smiles in the pictures.
but i swear, i really see them.

how does so many things change and happen within a year period?
that amazes me so much.


just yesterday, one of my orientation member randomly texted me regarding himself feeling very tired of studying  and stuff, saying he wanted some advices from me, as he sees me being someone being every so cheerful all the time.
his exact words : " see you everything so cheerful.."
and that got me thinking...
i actually dont think i really am?
but perhaps, i am really able to put up that front on me.
i dont know to call it high EQ , fake, or i really am a cheerful person,but im unaware of it.
because i really have been going through all kinds of emotions since like ever.
i probably dont show it much i guess.
unless you're here reading my blogposts.
cos even as i breakdown umpteen times over my lost relationship the past 7 months, no one knows.
literally no one.
until a few weeks back when i broke down infront of mathea, only did she knew that i have been weeping in silence even though we both live in the same room.


i guess i put up a very strong front.
so much so, it seems to the world that i got things under control.
but really, i dont think im really that strong a person.
or may be i am, just not strong enough in my own opinion?

but heck it,
what doesnt kill me makes me stronger right..?
i must have gotten much stronger over these past few years. LOL.


i guess, ultimately,
no matter who, no matter how cheerful one may seem,
theres always an emotional and dark side of everyone?

okay im going back to mugging now, enough thoughts for the day! :'(

heres a nice piano piece to share.

for the past 7 months,

there have been many spit secnods that i genuinely forget that you're gone.   

because of you,

the always-negative me ,

once admitted that life was near perfect.

because you were there.