ok so its been 1 month since my holidays started already.
yet another year of my uni has passed.
results are out, but as usual i dont have the courage to check it,
not yet at least.

well this holidays,
have been both unbearable and enjoyable at the same time.
ironic right?
unbearable, because i am forced to face up to reality and accept that zan is gone forever.
all along in this 1 year, though i have accepted the fact that we have broken up, but i guess, a small part in me was still hoping i could some day find the courage in me to bravely accept the expectations out of me from his religion and one day end up back with him.
or may be it was just that i thought, even though we have broken up, i believed his words that i'll still stand an important place in his heart and that i'll always matter to him.
but right now, i guess im forced to be awaken from those misconceptions and impossible hopes that i beared.
cos straight up front, he told me that he'd moved on and that he wants me to too.
so many people have been telling me that he isnt worth it.
isnt worth the pain that im going through for him for the past one year, he himself included said that to me.
but despite all these,
i still (perhaps foolishly) feel that he is worth it all.
but that isnt the point now, cos  even though i still feel that he is worth it, i am no longer entitled to.
my fate with him has ended and expired.
& truthfully speaking, right now i am still struggling to accept this and to force myself to move on.

but amidst these emotional torment,
the reason i said i am still enjoying this holiday,
is simply because to avoid feeling those emotions,
i chose to take my mind off by spending more time with my girls.
met up quite afew times with jo and BFF, met up with my sec school bestie. you can say im basically trying to feel every of my awaken minute with something to do to avoid feeling the sense of emptiness.
and thank god for this bunch of friends that i seek comfort in,
thank god for the advices from mathea and jo,
i guess slowly (even if its a small amount), im finding the courage to move off.
i've done whatever i can to do my best to move on,
right now what i can depend on, is only for time to heal everything else.
i dont know how long its gonna take,
but i do hope, soon i'll be able to walk out of it all.

to be honest, these girls are like my only support right now to move out of this phase, be it their words of advices or their time they invest to accompany me, i truely truely appreaciate them so much and am so grateful to them! Love them so much!

oh and i recently just started on a part time job at rivervale mall.
its kinda pretty boring here.
just sitting here doing nothing and having only one or 2 customers coming by every 1 hour.
its a shift job, so for half my shift i do have someone else here to work with, but the other half im just here rotting time away by myself.
initially,the reason i wanted to work, was to keep myself busy to have no time to dwell on the past, but this job, its even more idle than staying at home watching videos!:(
but you can say its easy money i guess?
hahah actually right now im blogging while at work cos simply no customers are coming to this deserted shopping center!:P

i usually am working with my hall friend, hong hui.
but for today, he just so happen have something on,
so this other girl came to take over his job.
when i came to join her in the afternoon shift,
we were both just involved with our phones cos we were afterall strangers.
but after 45 mins, which seemed like hours to me,
no idea why or how but we started talking.
and i guess we kinda clicked quite well.
were busy talking about all kinds of random stuffs! haha!
she's quite a nice girl, but her shift ended an hour ago so im left here alone now.
and come to think of it, i think this might probably be the only time i see her, but the efficient her already found and added me on facebook the moment she left! hahah.
yay, unexpectedly made another new friend! :)